Trying to Be A Good Dad for My Wife

I was brainstorming with my wife to do a blog article that would somehow inspire people. She mentioned a mom blog that once helped her to feel good about her efforts as a mom, so I decided to search a few dad blogs to get ideas. There were a few good principles I found, but I realized that for me it is hard to talk about the powerful emotions and motivations of parenting without centering the discussion on my wife. Happy wife, happy life, as I read in a friend's house.

So I will share a few things I have learned about helping my wife to be happy.

Alone Time with My Daughter
Outings with my daughter help her mama to have a break, and mama feels happy that I am bonding with our daughter. (On a selfish note, I will say that if you want to do a couple a favor,  ask if you can take their child on an outing; also, leaving her parents is sometimes necessary for her to connect with somebody else.) I have a tendency to start talking to Melanie, allowing my daughter to get more and more fussy, which doesn't bother me too much but stresses out Melanie. To combat this, I like to go outside or to our bedroom to play with my daughter. When Melanie was little, her dad took all three daughters on a vacation to his parents' place so that Melanie's mom could build shelves and do other projects she had been wanting to do. Though it seemed a bit sad to me to be left home from a vacation, when I asked Melanie if she would like something similar she quickly responded yes.

Alone Time with My Wife
Dates with Melanie make us feel remarkably like we did before our daughter. Perhaps it's sad/nostalgic that we sometimes aim to feel like we used to, but the mix of exciting times with our daughter and good old friendship times with just the two of us is nice. We enjoy time together with our daughter, but alone time helps us to appreciate all of each other's attributes.

All 3 Time
When I am with Melanie and our daughter, I have learned that she likes to interact directly with our daughter or talk about how wonderful our daughter is being in that moment. I can overcome my tendency to start focusing all my attention on talking about future plans and other things when I say a little prayer to see my daughter as God does. Then we all feel sweet peace.

Like I mentioned in the above section, I am capable of talking to my wife (or anybody) while my daughter is screaming, but Melanie is much more affected by our daughter's distress. So continuing to ramble while my daughter fusses results in a frantic wife, still fussy daughter, and not a particularly pleasant conversation. This situation reminds me of how the roommate with the lower tolerance for dirty dishes lying around leads to that roommate doing extra dishes. The nice thing for the roommate with higher tolerance to do is clean some dishes even when he is not bothered by the dirty dishes quite yet. Likewise, I should help my daughter even when her fussing is not particularly bothersome to me.

Time Together with Others
I think compliments to my wife or daughter are effective as quiet comments for just one to hear or for all to hear, as long as I am thinking about and semi-talking to the individual I am complimenting, rather than putting on a performance. While there is a risk of public compliments becoming awkward performances, I have several times felt tense around arguing couples who I later decide actually have a pretty good relationship. Perhaps our shyness and desire to avoid cheesiness go too far, leading to an overly negative image of our relationship.

Melanie does not like to forget that we have a child as we are chatting with other adults, crazy as that seems. So sometimes I need to help us break away from a conversation about politics or whatever it might be so that we (and hopefully the others we are with) can look at our daughter and interact with her. This shows our daughter she matters and makes her and my wife much happier.

Conclusion
I think a theme with making my wife happy as a husband and dad is focusing on one at a time, acknowledging her special worth and needs. Not sure if these ideas apply  to most wives or moms, or just to Melanie (though she has my vote as a representative for any group she is a part of). But helpful to me to process these thoughts and better implement them anyway: )

How does this relate to my typical theme of connecting religious, legal, and economic principles? I suppose that focus on family can only occur with laws that don't micromanage and an economy that doesn't require constant work and no family time. I think one of the best ways to help bring happiness to people is through setting a good example of happy family life. I have been blessed and am frequently encouraged as I think of the unfailing respect shown by my dad and other good men that I associate with.

I realize that I sort of set out to help dads or husbands to feel good about the good they are doing, and ended up just giving suggestions from things I have learned. Hopefully as we improve just a little in any one of these areas we can feel good about what we're doing! And maybe I will post some other time with more focus on helping self-esteem : )

Common Currency of Christianity

What are the benefits of using money? It is a common medium of exchange; we have in "common" that we accept and give money for the things we want. It is hard enough to think of non-money Christmas gifts to give to family; I can't imagine having to think about what the grocery store owner would like every week in exchange for our groceries.

Another benefit of money is that it is a common measuring unit. If last year the economy was measured in salt, and this year was measured in cashews, we would have a hard time comparing. It would be similarly problematic if the cost of a an investment was measured in blogs and the ending profit was measured in cups of sugar. Comparisons with a common unit help with analyzing the costs and benefits of various economic policies.

Is there a common currency that various religions might use, to help with communication and measuring progress? I will go through a few things that many Christians have in common and how those things help as a medium of exchange and as a measure of success.

Christmas
Christmas is loved by most in the United States, even by some who are not Christian. We can exchange Christmas notes, gifts, and embraces that show Christlike love to a wide variety of people.

To measure how we are doing, we can look at how society does at remembering Jesus Christ during Christmas. If we find that most of our Christmas to-dos and decorations are not related to Christ, this could be an indicator that we need to change course.

The 10 Commandments
Most Christians (and Jews) are familiar with at least the existence of the 10 Commandments. Perhaps in our conversational exchanges with those of other Christian or Jewish faiths we could mention blessings we have seen from honoring our parents, keeping the Sabbath Day holy, avoiding envy, etc.

We can help our kids see how they are measuring up to their potential by complimenting them on how well they are living the 10 Commandments ("good job honoring me by sleeping the whole night through!"). Maybe thinking of the 10 Commandments can add some spice to the compliments we give children when all we can think about is how utterly cute they are.

Death
Death is a tragedy that causes people of many faiths to come together and offer support. While we cannot understand what our friend's unique grief is like, we can use our common hope, and sometimes fear, regarding death to motivate us to truly "mourn with those who mourn." We can ask questions about the special person who passed away and listen to our grieving friend share whatever they are feeling. If asked by somebody who is grieving, we might share how our faith in Jesus Christ has helped us deal with death.

Death is sometimes mentioned in the scriptures to remind us that this life is not the only thing to consider as we make decisions. Death can remind us that "all the ends of the earth shall see the salvation of our God." Thinking about this often causes me to measure how well I am doing in my preparation to meet God.

The Golden Rule
Many religions have the same principle taught by Jesus: "whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them." In all of our exchanges or interactions, we can trust that if we try to treat others as we would be treated, our relationships will be blessed.

As we balance busy schedules, we might measure various options by thinking about how others would want us to spend our time. (If I was Jorge. . . would I want me to spend my walk to school thinking about how frustrating Jorge is, or about how clever and good-intentioned he is? Would I want me to gossip about Jorge, or read my scriptures? Would I want me to criticize Jorge, or sing with him?). We can also measure the quality of various political or economic policies by considering how they affect others, not just ourselves.

In our common discipleship of trying to be like Jesus, we have a lot to bond over. Focusing on these common things can build us up, in place of contending over differences or spending time on things that matter less. Like how it's fun to bond over discovering a common interest in Harry Potter or politics, bonding over common Christianity can be fun, and spiritually rewarding.