That class was not unique in its perspective; people sometimes talk like it is unquestionable that you get way busier when you become a parent. With this article, I hope to sympathize with and perhaps give some hope and advice to people who already feel very busy and feel that things will only get worse.
Basically, my thought is that, starting somewhere in our mid-teen years, we become busy in almost every phase of life, but there are different kinds of busy. And there are ways to reasonably handle the busyness in every phase.
How I learned to slow down
As a single college student, I worried about who to go on dates with, what classes to take, getting good grades, career path choices, whether to work, how much to work, how much to socialize, how to best serve in my congregation of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, how much time to spend with family, how much to clean my apartment, and what and how many university club-style activities to do.
Jumping to my current stage, as a working father of a two-year-old and newborn, I worry about kids, my wife, and my service assignments with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. That's about it. Work and the other things sort of settle into place without as much worry.
Or perhaps the constant and massive pressures of children squeeze out room for other worries.
But despite children demanding almost constant attention while awake (and sometimes being awake when we all wish we were sleeping), in many ways my life slowed down when we had children.
Prior to having children, both as singles and as childless spouses, my wife and I filled as many nights as existed with social events, working on projects, or staying up late chatting. Once we had Ginny, we became so tired that we realized that we simply had to cut back. At first we just didn’t do anything, and that was easy and expected because of the brand new newborn. When we started socializing too much again, we started reserving Tuesday and Thursday evenings (in addition to Monday evenings that have always been family nights) as evenings to not plan anything with other people. Now, either because we have fewer friends or have just acquired the habit, we tend to have a few free evenings a week, even without dramatically blocking out certain days.
With regard to callings/assignments in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we schedule more than we used to, which helps to avoid constantly fretting or being distracted from other tasks. I typically use a chunk of time on Sunday mornings to complete tasks related to serving the young men Aaronic Priesthood holders that I am assigned to help, and I love that time and the time I spend with them at church.
My children help me to slow down, not only through their demands, but through the Spirit I feel with them. They help me think about God. Elder D. Todd Christofferson beautifully portrayed the need to think about Jesus, the most important baby, in quiet ways. He pointed out how we do need to think about the big picture, but also cherish precious moments:
"When we talk about the birth of Jesus Christ, we appropriately reflect on what was to follow. His birth was infinitely significant because of the things He would experience and suffer so that He might better succor us—all culminating in His Crucifixion and Resurrection (see Alma 7:11–12). . . . [But I also] think it’s appropriate this time of year to just think about that baby in the manger. Don’t be too overwhelmed or occupied with what is to come. . . . Take a quiet, peaceful moment to ponder the beginning of His life . . . Do not be too concerned or overwhelmed with what is coming in His life or in yours. Instead, take a peaceful moment to contemplate perhaps the most serene moment in the history of the world—when all of heaven rejoiced with the message 'Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men' (Luke 2:14)."
I like my life better at this slower pace. I hope that I have learned and applied a little better God’s word to “be still, and know that I am God,” and “see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent . . .” Although many of my frenzies of activity before having children were what I thought were diligent efforts to be a good student, person etc., I believe slowing down has helped me to be more diligent about what matters most.
While my life feels slowed-down since having children, many parents feel that their lives do become busier upon becoming parents, mainly because their “downtime” becomes less down. For example, my wife might not say that her life has slowed down overall since having children, but it is a different kind of busy. She has become more aware of the benefits of quiet time and more capable of creating at least some of it even in trying circumstances. She values more than ever before some uninterrupted personal scripture study time, though she does not get as much of that time as she might hope for.
How anybody can slow down
The way I learned about slowing down was through my children, through the necessity of better organizing my life to handle their demands and through the desire I have to enjoy their sweet spirits.
But some people won’t have children in this life for varying reasons. For some, marriage won’t work out, and even for some married couples, having children won’t work out. I can actually relate to some people in those circumstances. I worried some about whether I would get married and have kids because I was, and in some ways still am, more attracted to men than to women. (Happy to tell you more of my story with this if you would like.) I am grateful that it did work out for me, but I would hope that if I had not had the blessing of marriage and children that I would still have learned to slow down. I hope for that same blessing of slowing down for everyone, no matter their current family situation.
I have learned two basic strategies that help me slow down, and I think they would be helpful to anybody’s current phase of busy: better scheduling and some focused “letting go.”
I think scheduling life is necessary for anybody who feels like they have infinite goals but finite time and capacity to productively think about multiple things at once. That is how I feel. It's good to think about Jesus all the time, but we don’t need to think about every assignment and goal all at once, even when all those assignments and goals are good things. So while you’re working on one goal, don’t feel bad about lack of progress with any other goal. Sometimes you need to do some pruning that allows some branches of your life to flourish at just the right moment.
Letting go of our own wills and accepting God’s not only helps us to slow down, but brings us closer to our loving Heavenly Father. The details of how that is implemented may involve letting go, during certain moments, of some of the following: the internet, being “right,” church calling concerns, reputation concerns, cleanliness, and even food. Of course, blocking those things out entirely would make us backward, undecided, inactive, unknown, messy, and hungry people, which is obviously not the goal. But trying to think about and do all those things at once, unwilling to drop any, makes life too busy.
So try to slow down and connect with God, during whatever phase of busy you might be in.
I’ll conclude with a quote by Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf, made into an epic inspirational video that my wife has memorized and tried to make her life mantra:
"We would do well to slow down a little, proceed at the optimum speed for our circumstances . . . Strength comes not from frantic activity but from being settled on a firm foundation of truth and light. It comes from placing our attention and efforts on the basics of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. . . [D]iligently doing the things that matter most will lead us to the Savior of the world."
For me, focusing on the things that matter most, like my relationship with God and family members, has not been second nature. I have sometimes been drawn to engaging in flurries of busyness in order to stay upbeat, and there are endless opportunities to get lost in busyness. But I believe that trying to go slow and trusting in the basics of the gospel will work in every phase of busy, and has improved my relationships and brought me joy.
