Kids with Sickness: What We've Learned and a Plea for Additional Help

 During the first few months of 2020, my family went through four rounds of colds.The bold, italics, and underlining do not begin to convey the depth of the related negative feelings we had. Throughout that time, I often hoped that we were learning from the experience, so that in the future, especially a future including even more children, it would not be quite so hard to be sick. Well, this year, 2021, we have had several illnesses, and at least a few times I have found myself thinking, “This is horrible, just like last year; we didn’t learn anything.” In fact right now we’re recovering from sickness, along with the distress that comes with decision-making on when to stay home from things based on sickness. But during a nice family home evening lesson a month or so ago my wife asked us to think about what we had learned, and we actually learned quite a bit. I’d like to share what we learned, and plead for additional ideas.

Practical/physical ideas

First I’ll share some practical/physical ideas. For better or worse, I often Google ideas in this category. That can be frustrating, because I really want to find a reliable source that simply recommends a pill or food that makes the cold disappear from my family in a day rather than a month, and I haven’t found that yet. But here are some things that I think help me feel a little bit better: humidifier, oranges, chicken noodle soup (I have celiac disease and I’m happy to share our great gluten-free recipe if you want), pouring honey in my mouth (yum), tylenol/acetaminophen, schedule a doctor appointment before we know we need one so that once we do need one (like for a secondary infection) we don’t have to wait days for availability, and a NoseFrida to suck mucus out of a child’s nose. For especially bad nights we have tried extra pillows, sleeping in a recliner, and cough drops (and, unfortunately, simply bracing myself for little sleep so that I stop worrying so much about falling asleep). 

I had a teeth clenching problem that created especially bad jaw pain with colds. I tried a $10-15 Walmart night guard and it was uncomfortable and didn’t work. Then I got one fitted by a dental office (around $250 dollars out-of-pocket and $250 paid by insurance, so pretty expensive unfortunately) and now I rarely have jaw pain, even during sickness.

Preventing sickness feels even more like trying to catch a fly in the dark than surviving/recovering from sickness, but I suppose we have felt good about occasionally disinfecting toothbrushes, changing pillow cases, and having hand sanitizer at the dinner table.

Spiritual ideas

Now I’ll share some spiritual ideas. I have felt great peace during many middle-of-the-night wake-ups as I have tried my best to connect with Jesus Christ. I believe He, to bless all of God’s children, took “upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.” I find peace and purpose in Him as I try to comfort sick children in the night. This connection with Jesus Christ has grown little by little over the years, and I have especially seen it grow as I consistently seek answers from Him and conscientiously try to be patient.

Being outdoors can be helpful in connecting with heaven and feeling that my problems are a little smaller than they feel indoors.

Receiving service and expressions of love from others during sickness helps us feel special, and letting my mind dwell on gratitude for that is nice. I also become extra-motivated to serve others as I want to jump out of my own depths of despair. 

I feel a special call to rise to the occasion of being nice to my family when there is the extra challenge of sickness. Sometimes that means doing less. With less energy, I need to do less criticizing, less whining, less disagreeing, and less talking about myself, and this can all be helpful to family relationships. 

But as noble as that all sounds, I’m still often a moany miserable mess, so this is where you give your advice. I would seriously appreciate it. Not only my family’s health, but our sanity, is on the line. Please share your physical, mental, and spiritual ideas for responding to difficult family circumstances like sickness (and we’re certainly game for simply changing our circumstances so that we don’t get sick anymore, if you know the answer to that). If you are simply thinking that we just have to get used to misery, then please brace us for the future by sharing whether your experience is that sickness is pretty much a constant that you get used to or whether you get used to dealing with bad seasons of the year/phases of childhood. Thanks.

Letter About Immigration to My Representatives

I think it is important that we reach out to encourage our political representatives to better our legal system for refugees and other immigrants. I have reached out to my two senators and congressman, and have pasted below what I sent to Senator Crapo. Feel free to copy any portion of this that you agree with to send to your representatives. Also, please comment if this post has prompted you to make an effort to make your voice heard, so I'll know what progress is being made!

Dear Senator Crapo:

[One sentence about who I am and where I'm from.] Through church and other service and legal experience, I have associated with many refugees and other immigrants. I am more politically conservative than liberal, but I feel that it would be morally and economically good for the United States to ease restrictions on immigrants. I hope to have conservatives in power again soon in the federal government, but in the meantime I hope Republicans and Democrats can be unified in improving immigration law. 

I will give some very specific ideas, but I am basically supportive of any reform that both eases the process of obtaining legal status in the U.S. and simplifies the system so that lawyers, and ideally even poor immigrants without lawyers, can predict what will happen with their immigration cases.

Specifically, I believe that anybody willing to travel to a United States border, pay for or find sponsorship for the costs of immigration processing, and comply with safety requirements (fingerprinting, ankle monitors if deemed a risk for some reason, etc.) should be granted some sort of legal status here. I think that those with identification documents from countries we are at peace with should be admitted same-day, and admission after a few weeks of investigation for those from countries that are not at peace with the U.S. or who do not have documents. I acknowledge that my suggestion of a few weeks is somewhat pulled out of thin air; I acknowledge there are risks, but unless evidence clearly proves otherwise, I am inclined to think that the process of months or years can be greatly shortened. Additionally, I believe those who are found without legal status, associated with criminal charges or otherwise, should have fines imposed against them, but not be threatened with deportation. My reasons are 1) to allow immigrant families to succeed and stay together, 2) to gain economic benefits for the country as a whole, 3) to know who is entering the country, and 4) to incentivize other countries' leaders to improve their treatment of their people.

1) People who are willing to leave their country do so because they see far better opportunities here than in their home country. Deporting or prohibiting entry of somebody stops him or her from enjoying those opportunities. Additionally, it harms the family members of that person, who, at least in the case of deportation, must all accept banishment with that person or lose that person from their life. Of course, incarcerating criminals harms the criminals' families as well. The painful impact of enforcing criminal laws is part of the reason that the Constitution provides "due process" and that legislators attempt to create proportional punishments. Immigration law does much worse at providing due process and proportionate consequences, and additionally families sometimes suffer more because immigration proceedings and deportation can make maintaining family relationships even more difficult than criminal proceedings and punishment. 

On a related note, our criminal laws suffice to punish crime; I do not see why an immigrant must suffer both criminal penalties and immigration penalties for a crime where a native-born American need only suffer criminal penalties. I think that both defense attorneys and prosecuting attorneys find the situation very strange; either an immigrant receives the same criminal consequences as non-immigrants and then receives dramatically harsher overall consequences, or the immigrant is given special treatment in the criminal process as lawyers and judges in the criminal system strive to avoid the draconian immigration consequences. Additionally, except in rare circumstances, I do not think that other countries are any better equipped at helping/protecting against convicts that the U.S. sends to them than the U.S. can. In other words, if an American-born person deserves 30 days in jail for a DUI, then I believe an immigrant deserves 30 days in jail for a similar DUI, without the addition of banishment. I also do not think that the world becomes better by sending people convicted of DUIs to their home countries, rather than helping them transition out of prison here in the U.S., where they often have been living for many years.

2) Free trade and the free flow of people has always created some temporary harm to some people. Overall, however, allowing employers to find employees who can work at the lowest cost will lead to lower prices for consumers, and the benefit to consumers outweighs the harm to native U.S. employees who may have had a drop in wages. This is because resources are being better used as people are free to work at the locations where there is the most mutual benefit between employer and employee. Some of the native U.S. employees will be pushed into higher-skilled work. To the extent that welfare benefits may attract some immigrants, the U.S. could require an initial period where new immigrants are deemed "visitors" or "transitioning to citizenship" and are not allowed to receive certain government benefits during that time period.

3) Immigration laws fall far short of actually stopping the flow of immigration as they intend, and so many immigrants enter undocumented. This harms the ability of economists and others to do accurate studies, and it inhibits law enforcement in their efforts to stop certain crimes that are hard to detect where there is little documentation. Allowing more legal immigration will decrease the illegal/undocumented immigration.

4) I share the dream that America can be a beacon of freedom, and can send the message that is on the Statue of Liberty: "Give me your tired, your poor,/ Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free." In addition to being a place where persecuted people can find refuge, I think that welcoming people from countries ruled by tyrants can prompt those leaders to improve so that they do not lose their subjects. Unfortunately, the UN often has more refugees than countries are willing to accept, leading to long waits in refugee camps. This may often lead to people settling in their awful conditions in their home countries, feeling they are unwelcome in other places. While refugees will have a hard time getting started in a new country, families like mine would like to sponsor or at least mentor a refugee family. Unfortunately, even without sponsorship, some refugees may prefer to be in the U.S. with nothing than in a war-torn and persecution-filled country. My family would love to brainstorm with you about how families like mine might give partial sponsorship, doing grocery shopping with or for a refugee family, for example, in such a way that refugee families have an increased chance of coming to the United States and succeeding.

Thank you for your service and your time in reading this. I hope to be able to talk to you on the phone or by some other means to be able to see what may be getting in the way of support for changes to the immigration system and to learn how I can help.

Rees Atkins

[phone number]

CC: Colin St. Maxens, Legislative Assistant over Immigration

The Benefit of the Doubt, The Benefit of the Faith

 Focusing on two questions together has given me some helpful insights. One is “why is faith such a prominent principle in the gospel of Jesus Christ?” The other is “how can I give others 'the benefit of the doubt,' especially those in my family?” Considering them together has shown me that faith is connected to the easier-to-understand principle that God is our loving Heavenly Father. Faith in God actually has a lot in common with the principle of giving the benefit of the doubt to our loved ones: both lead to good relationships.

I take “benefit of the doubt” to mean doubting the bad and looking for the good. The word “doubt” makes me think about how giving the benefit of the doubt is related to trust, and trust is one of my favorite words to describe faith. 

I will first show a chart organizing my realizations on the subject, and then give some additional explanation.

I often view life as a big learning experience like school. In school, however, we don’t usually lack physical sight of our teacher. I have pondered to know why faith, the first principle of the gospel of Jesus Christ, is necessary in this “school of life,” and to know how the principle of faith can connect me to God. I have concluded that the school of life is to learn about love, and love is connected to trust. I think that family experience, such as experience in giving family members the benefit of the doubt, makes the connection between love and trust clear.

While I can’t think of a good school metaphor, thinking of trust in marriage is helpful. It would be bad for my relationship with my wife if either of us set up cameras to monitor the behavior of the other. Such rigid focus on physical sight and sound shows a lack of trust, and that lack of trust shows a lack of love.

God demonstrates great trust in us, and that can help us feel His love. He sends us His children to raise and mentor and lets us go through our lives without sending down lightning bolts every time we mess up. That shows trust, and the growth I’ve experienced and love I have felt through that trust is immense.

Likewise, we can show and grow our love for God through trusting Him, which I view as fairly synonymous with having faith in Him. One difference between trust in a spouse and faith in God is that increasing trust between spouses does not involve the question of whether your spouse exists, only whether your spouse has certain attributes. Perhaps one reason that it makes sense that many of us have not seen God is that a perfect knowledge of His existence may not allow us to fully feel His trust. While I believe that God exists and watches me from above, the fact that I do not have a perfect knowledge of His existence helps me to more often behave well primarily because I love Him and others, not because I know that He is watching me even more thoroughly than the set of cameras that I mentioned above. As this love has developed, I have come to delight in the fact that God watches over me, and even knows my thoughts and desires.

In summary . . . although it is not always easy to connect with a being who we cannot see or hear as we see and hear our other loved ones, perhaps we’ll find that this experience on earth was the best way possible for us to have the trust that a good relationship with anybody requires. I know that God trusts me, and I know that He has given me relationships here on earth to bless me. My relationship with my parents and spouse have been particular blessings to me in feeling joy and learning of God’s love for me. 

Sometimes we have to choose whether to see people in certain situations as scary bears or friendly bears having a hard time.

On the occasions when I do not fully understand why faith is needed or how to give the benefit of the doubt to others, I can still continue on, inspired by scriptures like the following:

“Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend.

And again, believe that ye must repent of your sins and forsake them, and humble yourselves before God; and ask in sincerity of heart that he would forgive you; and now, if you believe all these things see that ye do them.” - Mosiah 4:9-10

Even simple belief, short of perfect knowledge, can be very powerful when we see how it helps us in building a relationship with God and with others who we dearly love.

Sharing Things I Love: Birth Coaches, Chromebooks, The Whole-Brain Child, Recipes, and . . . The Gospel of Jesus Christ

In this article I will share some things that I love. Those things are birth coaches, Chromebooks, The Whole-Brain Child (a book), and simple/healthy/cheap recipes. I have a very natural excitement and desire to share these things, and I have mentioned them to several people. After going through each of those, I will discuss similarities and differences between sharing those things and sharing the gospel of Jesus Christ, which I love the most.

Birth Coaches

Due to my wife’s difficult first labor and delivery, she wanted the circumstances of her second labor and delivery to be very different. One change we could make would be to hire a birth coach, usually called a “doula,” to help. She met with us a few times throughout the pregnancy and then came to our house when we knew we would need to go to the hospital within a few hours. She taught me ways to help my wife through some of the pain, and she herself did some massage/pressure to help my wife get some relief. Additionally, she taught us some basic principles that changed what we did. For example, we did what we would normally do at that time of day, so we stayed in bed for most of the middle-of-the-night labor rather than playing games like we did during the first labor, which also began during the night. Finally, she helped us be assertive regarding my wife’s wishes at the hospital. She is sort of like a trainer/supplementer for me, the dad. Given how difficult and important these things are in my wife’s life, the help is very welcome.

AND . . . we paid $550. Given what we pay for medical services, even just looking at co-pays and deductibles etc., this is a drop in the ocean, and the value is great.

Chromebooks

I purchased my Dell Chromebook on 12/30/2015 (over 5 years ago), for $129.99. It is sort of like a normal PC laptop except it only has internet, so no downloading Word, for example. Given my preference for always using Google docs, Google spreadsheets, and so forth, it is usually what I need. And it pretty much NEVER has issues. It starts up fast and runs smoothly. When I use a normal laptop or computer, I often complain that it is not as good as a Chromebook. I am happily using this old faithful device right now.

The Whole-Brain Child

The Whole-Brain Child is a book about parenting by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson. Some main takeaways for me were the following: Don’t speak logic to my child until she is calmed down, either through feeling warm love from me, doing some physical activity, or whatever it takes to calm the situation down.  Another suggestion is to let them tell the stories of their scary experiences to help them process the experiences. One more idea I especially liked is getting their opinion about what some reasonable expectations are (like how much of something they must eat before a treat).

Recipes

These recipes are cheap, healthy (in my opinion), and easy. And of course they work for people who, like me, have celiac disease. I won’t list spaghetti since I'm sure you already know about it, but that is of course the ultimate cheap, healthy, easy meal.

    Tomato sandwiches: toast (or ricecake), tomato slices, pepper, mayonnaise (or veganaise or miracle whip), and optional salt. 

    Thai pasta (my apologies for the name if you’re Thai, I imagine this is not at all authentic): This is a   chunky sauce that can go on wheat (or gluten-free substitute) noodles, rice noodles, or rice. Noodles are my preference. First you slice bell peppers in olive oil (use lots of salt, now and/or later). Add soy milk and lots of peanut butter and mix while heat is still on. If you’re feeling fancy, add grated carrots, grated ginger, honey, and thinly sliced caramelized onions, though this may take the recipe out of the easy category. Again, make sure you salt to taste.

    Plantains: I first tried plantains in Guatemala as a Spanish-speaking missionary. Thus, in my family we call them plátanos. They look like bananas, but are bigger. They're cheap and very easy. We just slice them and fry them in oil. Now sometimes you do need patience for them to ripen. But just leave them in the bag from the grocery store on your counter and try to forget about them for a few weeks and then enjoy. If you accidentally (or impatiently) peel it before it is sufficiently soft and sweet, eat them like french fries with salt and a sauce. But if they're ripe, you can enjoy the warm golden deliciousness all alone, or with beans, eggs, and/or bread for a classic Guatemalan breakfast.

The Gospel of Jesus Christ

Sooo...that was pretty comfortable having me share those things I love, right? Okay, so maybe everything I do is a little awkward, but why is it that sharing the gospel of Jesus Christ can feel extra awkward? First I'll give two reasons that it should be totally natural for me to share the gospel, and then I'll give some simple explanations about why I think it doesn't always feel so natural.

First, sharing the gospel should feel natural because I'm sincere in thinking it will bring joy to people. The gospel of Jesus Christ brings me more joy than all of the above-mentioned items combined. And I mean that in the present tense; so I'm not just saying that it is the best because in the next life it will give me a fullness of joy. Rather, I'm saying that if I were to lose my knowledge of and devotion to the principles of faith in Jesus Christ and repentance, that would make me much less happy right now than if I were to lose Chromebooks, plátanos, etc. And the gospel has brought a similar level of joy to everybody who I've seen embrace it. And of course, the next life is a real factor to consider. I most love the gospel of Jesus Christ because I believe it will lead me to return to my loving Heavenly Parents and Jesus Christ, to live with Them and those to whom I have been "sealed" to during this Earth life, including my wife, kids, and the family I grew up with.

Second, sharing the gospel by inviting others to activities of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints should feel natural because kindness is shared with those who participate even before a person gains a testimony of any particular truth or formally associates with the organization. My wife and I are sad to be moving away at some point from the congregation ("ward") we are currently a part of. But experience has shown us that each ward (no matter the state or country) has kind and generous souls and has exciting opportunities for us to serve. That is my point of view as somebody who has attended The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints my whole life, but the newcomers I have known seem to feel a lot of love from those around them as well.

So where do the unnatural feelings come from? Why am I so nervous that my friends won’t view my gospel-sharing as “the natural consequence of a most helpful and beneficial personal experience”? Well, I do hope for my friends to be converted to the gospel of Jesus Christ and join His Church, and it is uncomfortable for that to be hovering in our minds along with a knowledge that my friend has different beliefs and other reasons to not want to be a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Of course, I want people to be converted based upon their own desire, and I don't think any of my acquaintances really imagine me trying to force my religion on anybody. But knowing that I believe the stakes of conversion are high, they may fear that I will become at best annoying, and at worst pushy, with invitations.

How does this compare to sharing other things I love? Well, I suppose if people became pushy and tried to guilt people into eating tomato sandwiches then I might feel awkward sharing anything I love. But I typically don't mention my love for these things more than once (except to my wife, who is very very aware that I like Chromebooks more than other laptops), and so they blend into other conversation, without sending up red flags in anybody's mind about future annoyance on the way.

Because of the concern--a concern I believe is hyperactive--that a religious invitation or comment is the beginning of many pushy invitations to come, I think a little extra effort is needed to make those invitations and comments more comfortable. I've seen this done by ensuring a conversation stays 2-way by asking another person about his or her religious beliefs. Additionally, follow-up can be done in proportion to interest shown. Somebody with enough interest to participate in a lesson with the missionaries would likely appreciate some follow-up. A co-worker who listened kindly but didn't express any desire to learn more may become uneasy with me consciously revisiting the particular conversation we had. 

It may seem that intentionally modifying the way I talk about the gospel, so that it fits into conversation more like other things I love, does not portray the truth that I in fact feel much more strongly about the gospel than I do about birth coaches. But I think consistency in living principles such as using clean or uplifting language, dressing modestly, and being kind will communicate the depth of my feeling about the gospel. Thus, using strong language and persistent follow-up about the gospel that can make others wary of gospel-related subjects is unnecessary.

So those are some things I love, and my somewhat meandering thoughts on how sharing the gospel is different. As an afterthought, I'll note that while I emphasize relaxing and making conversation more natural in this article, I don't think you should get down on yourself if you have situations where you, in hindsight, appear a little overzealous, or perhaps underzealous. I imagine that as we aim for the appropriate balance we’ll fall onto each side occasionally. Sometimes I realize I have been sharing almost no light from the gospel of Jesus Christ, and I need to take a leap of faith without worrying about what others will think. Other times, I feel like I’m burning bridges with all my friends with the fire of my faith. I believe that having mercy with each other as we make our best efforts to appropriately share what is important to us will help us grow together a little more happily.