Trying to Be A Good Dad for My Wife

I was brainstorming with my wife to do a blog article that would somehow inspire people. She mentioned a mom blog that once helped her to feel good about her efforts as a mom, so I decided to search a few dad blogs to get ideas. There were a few good principles I found, but I realized that for me it is hard to talk about the powerful emotions and motivations of parenting without centering the discussion on my wife. Happy wife, happy life, as I read in a friend's house.

So I will share a few things I have learned about helping my wife to be happy.

Alone Time with My Daughter
Outings with my daughter help her mama to have a break, and mama feels happy that I am bonding with our daughter. (On a selfish note, I will say that if you want to do a couple a favor,  ask if you can take their child on an outing; also, leaving her parents is sometimes necessary for her to connect with somebody else.) I have a tendency to start talking to Melanie, allowing my daughter to get more and more fussy, which doesn't bother me too much but stresses out Melanie. To combat this, I like to go outside or to our bedroom to play with my daughter. When Melanie was little, her dad took all three daughters on a vacation to his parents' place so that Melanie's mom could build shelves and do other projects she had been wanting to do. Though it seemed a bit sad to me to be left home from a vacation, when I asked Melanie if she would like something similar she quickly responded yes.

Alone Time with My Wife
Dates with Melanie make us feel remarkably like we did before our daughter. Perhaps it's sad/nostalgic that we sometimes aim to feel like we used to, but the mix of exciting times with our daughter and good old friendship times with just the two of us is nice. We enjoy time together with our daughter, but alone time helps us to appreciate all of each other's attributes.

All 3 Time
When I am with Melanie and our daughter, I have learned that she likes to interact directly with our daughter or talk about how wonderful our daughter is being in that moment. I can overcome my tendency to start focusing all my attention on talking about future plans and other things when I say a little prayer to see my daughter as God does. Then we all feel sweet peace.

Like I mentioned in the above section, I am capable of talking to my wife (or anybody) while my daughter is screaming, but Melanie is much more affected by our daughter's distress. So continuing to ramble while my daughter fusses results in a frantic wife, still fussy daughter, and not a particularly pleasant conversation. This situation reminds me of how the roommate with the lower tolerance for dirty dishes lying around leads to that roommate doing extra dishes. The nice thing for the roommate with higher tolerance to do is clean some dishes even when he is not bothered by the dirty dishes quite yet. Likewise, I should help my daughter even when her fussing is not particularly bothersome to me.

Time Together with Others
I think compliments to my wife or daughter are effective as quiet comments for just one to hear or for all to hear, as long as I am thinking about and semi-talking to the individual I am complimenting, rather than putting on a performance. While there is a risk of public compliments becoming awkward performances, I have several times felt tense around arguing couples who I later decide actually have a pretty good relationship. Perhaps our shyness and desire to avoid cheesiness go too far, leading to an overly negative image of our relationship.

Melanie does not like to forget that we have a child as we are chatting with other adults, crazy as that seems. So sometimes I need to help us break away from a conversation about politics or whatever it might be so that we (and hopefully the others we are with) can look at our daughter and interact with her. This shows our daughter she matters and makes her and my wife much happier.

Conclusion
I think a theme with making my wife happy as a husband and dad is focusing on one at a time, acknowledging her special worth and needs. Not sure if these ideas apply  to most wives or moms, or just to Melanie (though she has my vote as a representative for any group she is a part of). But helpful to me to process these thoughts and better implement them anyway: )

How does this relate to my typical theme of connecting religious, legal, and economic principles? I suppose that focus on family can only occur with laws that don't micromanage and an economy that doesn't require constant work and no family time. I think one of the best ways to help bring happiness to people is through setting a good example of happy family life. I have been blessed and am frequently encouraged as I think of the unfailing respect shown by my dad and other good men that I associate with.

I realize that I sort of set out to help dads or husbands to feel good about the good they are doing, and ended up just giving suggestions from things I have learned. Hopefully as we improve just a little in any one of these areas we can feel good about what we're doing! And maybe I will post some other time with more focus on helping self-esteem : )

Common Currency of Christianity

What are the benefits of using money? It is a common medium of exchange; we have in "common" that we accept and give money for the things we want. It is hard enough to think of non-money Christmas gifts to give to family; I can't imagine having to think about what the grocery store owner would like every week in exchange for our groceries.

Another benefit of money is that it is a common measuring unit. If last year the economy was measured in salt, and this year was measured in cashews, we would have a hard time comparing. It would be similarly problematic if the cost of a an investment was measured in blogs and the ending profit was measured in cups of sugar. Comparisons with a common unit help with analyzing the costs and benefits of various economic policies.

Is there a common currency that various religions might use, to help with communication and measuring progress? I will go through a few things that many Christians have in common and how those things help as a medium of exchange and as a measure of success.

Christmas
Christmas is loved by most in the United States, even by some who are not Christian. We can exchange Christmas notes, gifts, and embraces that show Christlike love to a wide variety of people.

To measure how we are doing, we can look at how society does at remembering Jesus Christ during Christmas. If we find that most of our Christmas to-dos and decorations are not related to Christ, this could be an indicator that we need to change course.

The 10 Commandments
Most Christians (and Jews) are familiar with at least the existence of the 10 Commandments. Perhaps in our conversational exchanges with those of other Christian or Jewish faiths we could mention blessings we have seen from honoring our parents, keeping the Sabbath Day holy, avoiding envy, etc.

We can help our kids see how they are measuring up to their potential by complimenting them on how well they are living the 10 Commandments ("good job honoring me by sleeping the whole night through!"). Maybe thinking of the 10 Commandments can add some spice to the compliments we give children when all we can think about is how utterly cute they are.

Death
Death is a tragedy that causes people of many faiths to come together and offer support. While we cannot understand what our friend's unique grief is like, we can use our common hope, and sometimes fear, regarding death to motivate us to truly "mourn with those who mourn." We can ask questions about the special person who passed away and listen to our grieving friend share whatever they are feeling. If asked by somebody who is grieving, we might share how our faith in Jesus Christ has helped us deal with death.

Death is sometimes mentioned in the scriptures to remind us that this life is not the only thing to consider as we make decisions. Death can remind us that "all the ends of the earth shall see the salvation of our God." Thinking about this often causes me to measure how well I am doing in my preparation to meet God.

The Golden Rule
Many religions have the same principle taught by Jesus: "whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them." In all of our exchanges or interactions, we can trust that if we try to treat others as we would be treated, our relationships will be blessed.

As we balance busy schedules, we might measure various options by thinking about how others would want us to spend our time. (If I was Jorge. . . would I want me to spend my walk to school thinking about how frustrating Jorge is, or about how clever and good-intentioned he is? Would I want me to gossip about Jorge, or read my scriptures? Would I want me to criticize Jorge, or sing with him?). We can also measure the quality of various political or economic policies by considering how they affect others, not just ourselves.

In our common discipleship of trying to be like Jesus, we have a lot to bond over. Focusing on these common things can build us up, in place of contending over differences or spending time on things that matter less. Like how it's fun to bond over discovering a common interest in Harry Potter or politics, bonding over common Christianity can be fun, and spiritually rewarding.

How a Sore Throat Can Help A Marriage

Sometimes it seems that it is easier to get along with family when other people are watching. Why is that? I think it is because when we are maximally comfortable - at home and with family - we replace our mouths with upside-down dump trucks which just release all thoughts that pass through our minds.

Saying Less - The Diminishing (Until Negative) Marginal Return of Words

I recently got over a cold, and pretty much lost my voice for a while. And my wife and I had a really amazing morning together. I did a little text-to-speech on the computer, but mostly I just put more energy into listening, making nice facial expressions, and doing physical service (and opportunities for physical service abound when there is a mess-creating baby around). I spent less time nagging, complaining, arguing, and rambling when my wife had things to say.

This reflects the principle of diminishing marginal returns. In the business world, a company might determine that adding one more cook to the kitchen is helpful when there were no cooks, and maybe adding a second and third is still helpful. But if you add a fourth cook to a kitchen with just two ovens, that last cook will probably not add as much quality food as the third did, because he has less to work with. This is called diminishing marginal return: the last cook we added (the cook on the margin) is not delivering as high of a benefit (return) as the cook before him did. And in fact, adding a fifth cook may decrease the amount of quality food, because maybe he gets bored and starts messing with what the other cooks are doing. This is such a decreased marginal return that it is in fact negative.

A similar principle could happen with company inspections: the sixth and seventh inspections this year are having less and less impact on getting employees to get things up to code, and when you add a ninth inspection the employees just feel like they are not trusted and start to misbehave on purpose.

My words also have a decreasing marginal return, and losing my voice showed me that I was using so many words that they had started to have a negative return. Not only did each word add less (because there was less sincere showing of love/service for each word to work with), but my words had started to cancel out the positive things that other words said, by complaining and nagging.

Elder David A. Bednar, in explaining the benefits of the ever-aging leadership of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, said "limited stamina can clarify priorities." A similar principle is true with marriage, as long as we choose to devote our limited energy to what will help our marriage most. I will try to ensure that the words that come out of my mouth are only those that create the loving messages that I hope to send : )

Narrowing the Gender Gap: Where Should We Meet?

The gender gap, or the difference in success that women find versus what men find, is smaller than what it was 20 or 30 years ago. For example, marriages are more egalitarian than they have been in the past. Though I am very conservative in many ways, I think that is very happy. It is happy for women who are not domineered and happy for men who get more meaningful relationships as they treat their wives as the equals they are.

Narrowing the gender gap implies men and women are becoming more similar. How is that happening? Are women adopting characteristics and benefits previously associated with men, or are men adopting characteristics and benefits previously associated with women? Or are some negative stereotypes of one gender becoming more common in the other and vice versa? To what central point is the gender gap closing, and does that point put men and women in a happier place than they were before?

Women now have some benefits that were previously much more accessible to men, such as increased legal and economic standing. Conversely, what if men could more fully enjoy some benefits currently enjoyed much more by women? I am talking about the blessings of parenting.

Moms (and other women with nieces and nephews etc.) tend to make their kids a very high priority. And while parenting is sometimes an arduous duty (as opposed to simple "rights" that can be exercised or not), the blessings are rich. Parenting brings excitement, learning, humility, laughter, sweet peace, and connection to God. Helping men to more fully enjoy these benefits won't come wholesale or with a vote, but can come one by one. I think it takes something special to achieve it though, because as I mentioned before, parenting is of course really hard sometimes.

Some think it is crazy that women would choose to go through the difficulties of mothering a child, and even crazier to have many children. But as I discussed, the blessings are great--these mothers believe that getting to know sweet souls and partnering with God in raising them is worth the hardship. I believe men can have these same blessings. What hard things might men do to achieve these blessings?

It is easy for a man to say, "Yeah I think women should be able to get abortions, their bodies are their own." It is harder to decide with your wife that you will dive into parenthood, without looking back and being fully devoted to supporting your wife and child through the good times and the bad times. This less individualistic attitude can seem troubling if the ultimate goal of society is to minimize individuals' pain in this life, but I believe it is necessary in order to create families that are fully united.

It is easier to say in a marriage that each spouse can make his or her career as high a priority as he or she wants than to unitedly make a plan about how your family can be as happy as possible. And then executing that plan may involve the additional difficulty of showing full willingness to help with kids so that your wife can work and serve in her uniquely individual ways, and it may involve giving up some of your uniquely individual desires in order to desire and achieve even better things together. Perhaps the hardest but most meaningful things dads can do involve giving loving care to a spouse or child who needs it (while needing care themselves), having faith times will get better, and finding peace as you rely only on Christ's love and power.

In my experience, doing these hard things is hard almost every day, but it is also quite pleasant and joyful every day. And on top of the small daily joys, it brings meaningful memories and deep bonds. Best of all, it strengthens my relationship with God, who I know loves my wife, baby, and me dearly.

Whatever the situation, I believe that God is the answer. He is as a "hen [that] gathereth her chickens under her wings"(Matthew 23:37) and remembers and loves us even more than a mother remembers "her sucking child" (Isaiah 49:15). Christ exemplifies the good qualities that we see in good men and women. So I believe that the direction men and women need to go is towards God. Regularly communicating with God has helped me to seek forgiveness and feel more peace with my family. So if you are reading this blog and you also credit God for the good in your family, I encourage you to acknowledge God more often, so that more men will find the reason and the joy in making family a priority. In this way, the unfortunate aspects of the gender gap narrow as fathers learn from mothers and God to more fully claim the blessings of parenting.

Effects of a Commandment to Abstain from Homosexual Relations

My religion has a commandment to abstain from homosexual relations and I know there are other
faiths with similar doctrine. How does that commandment affect the lives of devout members of
those religions who feel same-sex attraction? I think there are a lot of different kinds

of people in this category. When I was in college, I had a professor of family studies who said

that perhaps it makes more sense to discuss homosexualities rather than homosexuality, because

we simply don’t live in a binary world of homosexual and heterosexual. Even among people with an

equal degree of same-sex attraction, the way that attraction affects their potential ability to have a

healthy heterosexual relationship will vary greatly. My wife likes to say “there are as many kinds of

people as there are people (or dancers as there are dancers, or dogs as there are dogs, etc.”). But to

make my point clear, for this article I am just talking about two categories of people who want to follow this

commandment: those with same-sex attraction who feel that a heterosexual relationship will not work

and those with same-sex attraction who feel that a heterosexual relationship will work.

https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Prism-rainbow-black.svg

1. Members with same-sex attraction who feel that a heterosexual relationship will not work

This is the more well known group. And perhaps it is well known because it demonstrates the life-

changing implications when a religion has a strong position regarding homosexual relations. A

religious prohibition against homosexual relations in this case means a life of celibacy--being single.

It is not an easy result to process for someone who thinks that marriage is one of the most beautiful

things in life. Many members of my church (and outside of it) are single for a number of reasons,

and they will say that there is a lot of joy that comes from Jesus Christ, service, work, and family,

but it is still difficult at times. I am not arguing it is not a very difficult result. However, I think the

existence of this group can cause people to forget about the effect of a religious prohibition against

homosexual relations on the second group, which I will discuss now.

2. Members with same-sex attraction who feel that a heterosexual relationship will work

More specifically, I am talking about people who are so attracted to their own sex that were it not for

this commandment, they would not marry somebody of the opposite sex. They have the physical
attraction to their own sex, but have enough attraction to the opposite sex that they know they can
make and keep a marriage commitment to somebody of the opposite sex. The effect of the

commandment on this group is that they may have a traditional marriage and probably children.

These members see a special joy that comes from the unique relationship between a man and a

woman, and are grateful to God that they can participate in the creation process. As mortals who

often give in to the urges of the present, they need a commandment from God to help them choose

a path that is better—long-term—than the path of their more carnal desires.

Conclusion: Why bring this up?

I think there are misunderstandings that religious people stand up for the traditional family for no good

reason. The existence of group number two is one good reason. I personally know some individuals

in group two who are happy and grateful for the path they chose to follow. Reflecting on their

experiences helps me reconcile the knowledge I have of Heavenly Father’s love with this

commandment. Those who have this commandment may feel more free to choose the course of

their life than somebody who, perhaps at a young age, becomes involved in homosexual

relationships and finds pursuing a traditional marriage more difficult. In sharing my beliefs here, I

hope I have not offended, but if I have, I hope you’ll feel comfortable approaching me to talk about it.

I do believe that the commandment to abstain from homosexual relations does require celibacy for

some, but for others it leads to a happy traditional family that makes the homosexual person very

grateful for the commandment.

In Maximizing Productivity, 6>7

Sometimes classmates have asked me how I handle having a baby, school, and a part-time job.
Well, I get stressed and I don't always finish what I need to. But I have really improved in balancing
certain things over the past few years and I do feel some peace even while I am busy. So this is the
best tip I can offer:

Rest one day a week.

I have really enjoyed not doing homework on Sundays as long as that has been my personal policy.
However, it has been even more wonderful now that I have my own family. My wife and I talk about it
all the time, no joke. "Ahh, I am so happy we have Sunday." We feel joy while Sunday is happening
and hope when it is not happening.

Some spiritual leaders and medical professionals will say you can accomplish more in six days than
in seven. A similar thing has been said about tithing: you can do more with 90% of your money than
with 100%.

But how can that be? Standard economic theories assume that more of something is always better. I
have two responses.

1. Diminishing Marginal Returns

This response assumes you care about more than one thing in life. Perhaps if the only thing in life
that mattered was doing our "work," whatever that is, then we would get more done in seven days.
But we care about more than that. Easy example: relationships. For a while our studying during a
given day may have increasing marginal return, meaning that for each additional minute that we study,
we become more productive in our studying. This can happen because we need time for our mind to
really hone into the study zone. But after five or six days of honing in, it becomes harder and harder to
concentrate. In these moments (like on day seven), we have the chance to use our time for something
we are not at all bored of. That way we are more productive at all times: six days we are productive at
working and one day we are productive at relationship building (with God, family, and friends).

2. Defeat the Lie of Helplessness

We sometimes feel like if one more item was squeezed into our our schedule then our lives would
suddenly explode into a thousand chickens running around without heads. Surely, we can't take an
entire day out of the mix to finish our most pressing tasks! When you commit to not study or not do
certain other mundane tasks one day a week, then you see that  it is possible. And hence you defeat
the lie that you can't. Doing that has helped me to see that I am also more capable than I thought at
bringing home less homework on weekday evenings. There are times when stuff builds up and I
appreciate that my wife supports me in getting stuff done even when it takes a little extra time. But I
refuse to be the victim of a brutal workload that does not care about my health, family, etc. I will
speed up my study rate, thoughtfully simplify and improve my study methods, and do what it takes
to finish my work while still getting to "be human" as a friend of mine says.

How can you be so committed that you don't spend all day Sunday worrying about whether you
should make an exception this "one" time?

For me my religion helps, and I will get to that in the next paragraph. If you are not interested in
religion, you might try rewarding yourself at the end of a semester with a trip or meal or something.
Or find a friend who does a good job of holding you accountable.

The president of my church said this in a talk a few years ago, and it increased my desire to keep the
Sabbath holy in a way that promotes peace: "I learned from the scriptures that my conduct and my
attitude on the Sabbath constituted a sign between me and my Heavenly Father. With that
understanding, I no longer needed lists of dos and don'ts. When I had to make a decision whether or
not an activity was appropriate for the Sabbath, I simply asked myself, 'What sign do I want to give to
God?' That question made my choices about the Sabbath day crystal clear." (President Nelson, 2015.)

Sunday provides a great chance to focus in on some things that matter most: worshiping God, loving
family, and reaching out to friends. It continuously takes a lot of effort to find quiet moments to listen
to God, stare at my adorable baby, and appreciate other loved ones, but I am happy that I have at
least one day a week to focus on those challenging and rewarding endeavors.

It's Inefficient to Judge

Connection Between Forgiveness and Judging
While attending my sister-in-law’s church congregation, the men’s group had a council/discussion regarding the importance of forgiveness. For the purposes of our discussion, forgiveness was defined as “freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves.” (Sidney Simon).

Somebody in the meeting applied the Book of Mormon story of the Anti-Nephi-Lehis laying down “their weapons of rebellion,” an account about how this group left their bloodthirsty ways forever by burying their literal weapons and committing to not use them again. (Alma 23:7). The class member was saying that grudges are like a “weapon of rebellion.” But the lesson I learned from the Spirit was that my personal “weapon of rebellion” is connected to judging others. I think over and over about why something that someone did was unjustified and how it hurt me; I both judge them harshly and don’t forgive them.

The Inefficiency of Judging
Adam Smith, the father of modern economics, explains in The Wealth of Nations that the wealth of nations comes largely because nations allow their people to trade. Trading leads to specialization: I buy most things from other people so that I can focus on improving my productivity with one career. While I don’t know that Adam Smith intended a spiritual message, I get a spiritual message from it. During this life, God relieves us of making certain judgments so that we can specialize in serving others and keeping His other commandments.

There are several scriptures that indicate that God is the one specialized in some judgments, and doesn’t want us to waste our energies doing what He is already doing:

Doctrine and Covenants 64:10 - I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.

2 Nephi 9:41 - The keeper of the gate is the Holy One of Israel; and he employeth no servant there.

Matthew 7:1 - Judge not, that ye be not judged. (Or as the Joseph Smith Translation says: Judge not unrighteously, that ye be not judged; but judge righteous judgment.)

Romans 12:19 - Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves. . . for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.

1 Samuel 16:7 - But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.

Jesus Christ is the Perfect Judge
Lately I have been trying to imagine Jesus Christ being with me more often, and this has been helpful in judging less and forgiving more.

“He is always near me, though I do not see Him there,
And because he loves me dearly
I am in His watchful care.”
-If the Savior Stood Beside Me

Although I have sometimes decided to imagine the Savior beside me thinking I’ll scare myself into behaving well more consistently, once I am actually imagining the Savior with me I don’t feel scared at all. Instead, I feel the Spirit more strongly. I understand that our Eternal Judge does not have any of the negative attributes that the world associates with being judgmental. As I recall that the Savior is with me, I feel His love for me more fully, and I feel it more fully for those around me. This leads me forget the harsh judgment or hurt feelings that I had and to focus on helping others and enjoying my time with them.






Jesus Christ is the perfect judge. In His judging, “he cannot be deceived” (2 Nephi 9:41) and He never forgets our wonderful divine potential. He indiscriminately invites all to be part of the House of Israel through repentance, baptism, receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost and enduring to the end. We are blessed as we leave some judgments to Him. When we need to make some judgments, we are blessed as we follow His example and seek His guidance as we make them.