How bout a girl who's got a brain . . . who always speaks her mind?

One of my favorite lines from the movie Mulan is when Mulan adds to the men's list of desirable wife-qualities "how bout a girl who's got a brain . . . who always speaks her mind?" to the increasing disapproval of the men around her. This article is about how we shouldn't always speak our minds, and despite the humor and truly unbeatable thrill of discussing gender differences, I think these principles apply equally to men and women.

Linda K. Burton gave a talk that influenced what I aim for in marriage. She asked some probing questions, and I will list the two that were most memorable for me: "When was the last time I stopped myself from saying something I knew could be hurtful? . . . When was the last time I chose to be happy rather than demanding to be 'right'?"

While I ultimately want to have perfectly loving thoughts, it is helpful for me to recognize that I may have rude or judgmental thoughts, on a daily basis. Furthermore, I will not get any closer to having only loving thoughts if I allow myself to spout all the negative thoughts that I currently have.

Somehow this has to be combined or balanced with a principle that I learned over and over again with missionary companions and told myself I would not forget: communication solves problems. Perhaps what I need to keep in mind with this principle is that I am a child of God and so is the person I am solving a problem with. So if one person is repeatedly saying something unkind and untrue, like "you are boring" or "you are worthless," perhaps one could say, "I feel sad when you say I am boring, I am not, did you know I have dozens of unique moles?" The "I feel" language is some standard advice I have heard for making communication less accusatory.

In economic terms, words may have increasing and then diminishing marginal terms. A business might increase its per hour production for awhile as it learns to produce better and obtains well-suited capital (people and equipment). But there will come a point where it becomes less worth it to produce more, perhaps because resources are getting low or there are too many people in the conference room or in the factory. With me, my amount of communication with mission companions may have been low enough that I was not learning enough about them. I could have communicated what was hard for me more, and though it would have been hard to be told that I was not giving them enough credit or respect, I could have benefited from some companions saying "I feel like you think I don't care about missionary work and obedience, but I do, we just disagree on some of the details."

On the other hand, with my wife, especially earlier on in our marriage, I may have talked too much and listened too little. And really there have been times when we both talk too much, and the resources of sleep, love demonstrated by actions, and thoughtfulness are low enough that the marginal benefit of each word starts to become negative. There are also times when I am stewing in silence and a few kind words to lighten the mood or change the subject could go a long way.

Little children are a good example of showing lots of love with few words.

Jesus set the perfect example of when to speak and when not to. He rebuked even when it was unpopular, and when he was falsely accused and attacked in His final days, He maintained silence rather than using His power to fight back. He spoke careful words of comfort in times of need and taught what the people needed to hear. In the home-centered, church-supported program that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has, this week's lesson is about the final persecution Jesus suffered. I think we can find this balance in communication as we deeply feel God's love independent of what we or others might say. We can learn to be balanced in our interactions through Jesus's example.